[INTRO — CHEESY CORPORATE ANNOUNCER]

Congratulations!

Are you a freelancer looking for work?
Are you a business looking for talent?
Are you looking to grow your sales?

Fantastic!

We have a funnel for that.

[MUSIC KICKS IN]

[VERSE 1]

Welcome to Recrutu,
Tell us who you are,
Worker or a business,
We’ll point you near or far.

Looking for employment?
SmartWorker knows the way.
Looking for an assistant?
There’s another page to pay.

Want somebody overseas,
Working while you sleep?
Pre-vetted, AI-trained,
And apparently working cheap.

Top five percent, top two percent,
Top one percent today,
I’m following the numbers, Nurik,
So tell me what they say.

[PRE-CHORUS]

Click here, click there,
Another doorway everywhere.
One little website led me through
A whole damn ecosystem built by Recrutu.

[CHORUS]

YOU’RE HIRED! YOU’RE HIRED!
That’s what the advertising said.

YOU’RE HIRED! YOU’RE HIRED!
But another funnel waits ahead.

Five bucks an hour,
Twelve bucks an hour,
Top one percent for hire!

Twenty-seven dollars gets you through,
Then three-nine-seven takes you higher!

YOU’RE HIRED!

Welcome to Recrutu!

[VERSE 2]

Fifteen thousand workers,
Five hundred placements made,
Thousands pre-vetted,
At least that’s what they say.

Retention through the ceiling,
Ghosting almost gone,
Numbers looking beautiful,
So where’d they all come from?

Atlanta to Alaska,
Kazakhstan as well,
SmartWorker, Bridges Agency,
There’s quite a tale to tell.

And when I followed every link,
Something became clear:

Recruit the worker,
Recruit the boss,
There’s something for everyone here!

[CHORUS]

YOU’RE HIRED! YOU’RE HIRED!
That’s what the advertising said.

YOU’RE HIRED! YOU’RE HIRED!
But another funnel waits ahead.

Top five percent!
Top two percent!
Top one percent for hire!

Three dollars, five dollars, twelve dollars —
Watch those numbers climb!

YOU’RE HIRED!

Welcome to Recrutu!

[BREAKDOWN — FUNKY / SPOKEN]

Hold on...

Twenty-seven dollars?

What do I get?

A playbook!

Templates!

Community access!

Lifetime access?

Fantastic!

Wait...

Thirty days free...

Then forty-seven dollars a year?

I thought you said lifetime?

[BACKING SINGERS]

Lifetime!
Lifetime!
Terms may apply!

[VERSE 3]

Then there’s Concierge Placement,
If doing it yourself gets tough,
Three hundred ninety-seven dollars,
And they’ll apparently handle the stuff.

And buried in the marketing,
The economics come alive:

Some customers buy concierge,
And that keeps the tripwire alive.

Then Bridges starts selling funnels,
VibeFunnels joins the show,
Digital products, AI prompts,
Another place your money can go.

What started as recruitment
Has become a bigger machine.

I went looking for a headhunter...

And found a marketing scene.

[MUSIC STOPS]

[CORPORATE VOICE]

But wait!

There’s more!

Have you checked your calendar?

[SINGLE NOTIFICATION DING]

[VERSE 4 — DARKER]

People say invitations
Just appeared without a say,
Webinars and appointments
They swear they never made.

Different years, different reviews,
The complaints kept showing through.

So I asked a simple question:

Who invited who?

Was it automation?
Was it marketing?
Was permission ever there?

Because putting something in my calendar
Doesn’t mean I asked you there.

[BUILD]

So Nurik, here’s your opportunity,
No ambush and no disguise.

Show me where I’ve got it wrong,
And show me evidence behind the claims.

[FINAL CHORUS — HUGE]

YOU’RE HIRED! YOU’RE HIRED!

Workers waiting in the queue!

YOU’RE HIRED! YOU’RE HIRED!

There’s a product waiting too!

SmartWorker for the freelancer,
Recrutu finds the crew,

Bridges builds the funnels,

AND VIBEFUNNELS SELLS THEM TOO!

Top five percent!
Top two percent!
Top one percent today!

Fifteen thousand workers?

Show me how you counted them
And I’ll tell people what you say!

[BREAK — HALF TIME]

Because this isn't about
Whether I like your business.

It isn't about
Whether your workers are good.

It's about whether the claims
Match the evidence.

[FINAL BUILD]

How much comes from recruitment?

How much comes from training?

How much comes from funnels?

How much comes from upselling?

And when somebody wakes up
With your webinar in their calendar...

Who put it there?

[FINAL CHORUS]

YOU’RE HIRED! YOU’RE HIRED!

Everybody sing along!

YOU’RE HIRED! YOU’RE HIRED!

If the numbers check out, prove me wrong!

From Kazakhstan to Alaska,
I followed every clue.

I came looking for a recruitment company...

AND FOUND THE FUNNEL TOO!

[OUTRO — CHEESY CORPORATE MUSIC RETURNS]

Congratulations!

Your investigation is now complete.

Please select one of the following options:

Press one to hire a virtual assistant.

Press two to become a virtual assistant.

Press three to build a funnel.

Press four to buy the playbook.

Press five if you have absolutely no idea
how this appointment got into your calendar.

[DING]

[BACKING SINGERS, WHISPERING]

You’re hired...

You’re hired...

You’re hired...

[CORPORATE VOICE]

Terms and conditions apply.

...assuming the

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